Baby Showers

         Mom and BaBy shower                                 

This past weekend my wife went to a baby shower for a family member. She was gone for five hours, which gave inspiration for this post: One of the greatest excuses for pregnant women to spend time with their friends and family is the "baby shower." First and foremost, baby showers are vital to the pre-baby life as your friends and family give/buy you many baby necessities and splurges that you otherwise wouldn't buy yourself. Well, many people will buy that stuff and go into debt, which sets a great example for your child! Therefore, friends are important ( This may sound shallow, but I'm pretty sure we're not on this earth to live lives of isolation.), specifically the woman's friends because males are worthless when it comes to helping friends out with pre-baby planning. We'll take one another out, but we're not buying someone else gifts. Therefore, it's vital you actually have friends, and I'm not talking about Facebook friends and Twitter friends who like to read about what you made for dinner last night. I'll add more about this in a future post, but especially if you don't have close family, you need friends! This may sound harsh, but if you don't have support during pregnancy, you're going to struggle to have it post-pregnancy. Stand on the street corner, hold signs up, and use social media to get yourself some baby showers!

Are there any presents for Dad?

    Now, while such baby parties are important, let's be honest, the men are not part of the party scene except for finding a spot to put all the new "baby stuff" in the house. For our first child, I think Faith probably had 4 or 5 baby showers between work, friends, and family in two different states. Not only did that mean that we were set with what everyone gave us, but it also meant 4-5 excuses Faith had to go spend hours with friends and family. If you have no other children, that's your time to go golf, go to a game, or do something that your wife won't do with you. However, if you have children, here's the reality: the man will be at home watching the kids. Now, don't treat me like I'm an insensitive and unappreciative Dad of the time I get with my children. Of course it's special, fun, and challenging at the same time. However, could I say to my wife 4-5 times within the span of a couple of months, "Hunny, I'm going to be gone 4-5 hours hanging out with "my boys" four times over the next few weeks. I'm here to tell you, that's not going to fly, and my wife is about as gracious and giving as they come!

 Men are like this, waiting for our wives to
get home from the "baby shower."

     So, do I like the idea of baby showers? Sure, they save the future parents tons of time and money.
However, do I think we need to call them what they are and change the name to "Mom & Baby Shower"? Absolutely! There's no shame in that, but much like "wedding showers" or shall we say "bride showers" the "MAN" is not part of the equation. I know this sounds like I'm full of self pity and sensitive emotions, but really, if instead of women going to all the baby showers it was men, I'm pretty confident there would be some issues with the time the man spends away from his wife while he's spending time with his friends.  However, will I encourage my wife to go to any baby showers for her if any come around this fourth time? YES!

Man Advice:
One reason women have so many baby/wedding showers is that their friends and family plan them for them. Men, we must bond together and make plans for one another! Call it a baby shower, and you should be good to go.

To Breastfeed or Not to Breastfeed

As I explained in the last post, there are many things to think about and to plan for before having a baby. I just addressed a few topics, but here are a few more to think about:

1)Should the woman breast feed or not? For my personal safety, I will leave this one alone...for the most part. However, I will say that while I do more support the breast-feeding approach, be prepared to deal with the trials of breast-feeding. It doesn't come easy for everyone; it doesn't physically happen for some--no milk production; it can be painful (if the woman has a low pain tolerance=not good); it can make for some awkward public moments and is not exactly car friendly (if the baby is in the car seat, how's the breast feeding going to work...awkward!).

                                                 

2)If breast-feeding the baby, the parents better prepare for how to feed in public. Some women will be completely embarrassed and isolate themselves from the world every time they feed...like they are diseased or something. Other women have no trouble allowing for all the world to see those milk-enhanced body parts...again making for some awkward moments for those around them. I'm not here to judge which is better (probably a happy medium between the two, including a blanket or "hooter-hider" is best), but make sure you're both on the same page.

                                                       

3)How much time is the husband going to take off work? While every situation is different, and while financial issues, job flexibility, and birthing complexities can affect time taken from work, make sure this issue is discussed. Many workaholics will take very little to no time off. I'm voting against that because you're just saying your job is more important than your wife and child, even though you won't admit it. On the other hand, some people use all their "vacation" time. While this sounds great, that might not be wise either, because during that first year I guarantee you will be needed at home or want a "break" but you can't get it because you used all that time. Probably most people take a week. That's enough time to help establish some new routines with the baby and to be their together, husband and wife, but it's a short enough time to allow the husband to still feel connected to work. Whatever you decide, be flexible and appreciate the time together.
                                                     

4)How involved will your parents and in-laws be the first week? Again, while each situation is different, definitely plan for this if you are fortunate to have your parents/in-laws around for help. For us, we enjoyed having the first week to ourselves. Since we lived away from our parents, Faith's parents drove the 9 hours from Ohio, and mine flew from Colorado to North Carolina for the first couple of days. However, they then left, with my mom and Faith's mom each coming back later for a week at a time while I was back at work. We were able to establish our own routines and protocols (sounds official) without parent interference and judgment. Of course that would never happen! Well, that's how I viewed it. For more insecure women, I would definitely go that route because such women will be questioning/doubting everything anyway and any wrong comment by a "well-intentioned" grandparent (usually grandmother) could severely damage an already fragile psyche. Likewise, since the husband usually will be home that first week, that can make for a crowded house, especially with the stress of having a newborn child. Trust me on this one. Our second child Alexis came one week past the due date, two weeks after my wife's false labor. Yes, my in-laws were in our house for two weeks before the birth...a time I will forever cherish:) I wonder why I came home late every day for those two weeks, but I digress.

The reality is that you need to suck it up, get mature, and realize a baby is coming. Sure you can go pick out all that new cute little bedding (complete waste of money), spend hours decorating the baby room that no baby will notice and that will change before the baby can even appreciate it (basically an opportunity for parents to show off) and buy all those "first time" baby albums that few people use. However, have some real conversations that help prepare all parties involved for the arrival of that first baby!


Man Advice:
Think of some projects that need to be done around the house because when that baby is home that first week, you won't go out much. Neither parent will probably get much sleep at night, and while you think, "We'll just nap when the baby naps," good luck, that doesn't work.

Will You Trust a Babysitter?

We passed the 20 week mark, and now reality is starting to hit. Actually, that's not really true for us since this is baby #4, but some of my best advice for first-time parents is when you are at this point of pregnancy, start talking about what life will look like after the baby is born, because here's the reality: if you do not as a couple start figuring some of the future realities out good luck! Here are some things to start pondering, to start praying about, and to start crying about (remember, first-time parents are kissing freedom good-bye): (I will try to remain neutral and non judgmental with my points, but that's not my gift.)

Does this really happen?

1)Will you put the baby in bed with you? Ummm...I think secretly parents use this as an excuse for a natural birth control. The "tough, strong" answer is "no," but when doing that allows for everyone to get more sleep, your thoughts might change. However, are you going to let an infant control you or are you going to be the person in charge? How you parent now is a good indication of how you parent in the future:)

Make that book a tablet and watch Netflix, Amazon, etc.

2)Who's getting up with the baby at night? Every couple approaches this differently. I'm keeping my thoughts to myself on this one.
                                                           
                                                     Three words - CLOSE THE DOOR!
3)Are you going to let the baby cry or always hold him/her? Will you let the baby cry at night, or feed him/her and if so until how old? Figure this one out now because I know too many people who haven't, and they have lost years of their lives due to lack of sleep. Some people say you can't spoil a baby enough, which is true to an extent, but that's probably not a great philosophy to hold to in life. Let me know how that turns out when they're teenagers. Really, this is about doing research, knowing your child, listening to other's advice (trust me, so many of your friends know how to help you, but you're too prideful to listen to their advice), and most importantly learn how to turn down the monitor and close the door! Babies cry; they know the messed up world they're born into, so let them purge their emotions. If you don't, they won't ever get over it and you won't ever get sleep!
                                                                                                  Are you using your baby as an excuse to take a break from God?
4)Are you going to put the child in the nursery at church, work, etc.? One take is to prevent that as long as possible to prevent germs and sickness. However, that's probably just an excuse for people not trusting others. Most professionals say give it 6-8 weeks...very understandable. However, some people view that as 8-10 months. Most people serving/working in those environments have held a lot more babies than you, so really, you're the one who should be questioned. (I say that with love.)

                                                           
5)Are you going to allow people to babysit? This is a sticky one. Some people won't even let family members babysit, some have no qualms about getting baby sitters, some only let family babysit, and others interview people before allowing them to babysit. Again, all couples have their own ideas with this one, but I think a lot of it relates to #4 as well. Are you not letting others watch your child because you really want to protect him/her, or is it more about you and your insecurities, and often times your lack of faith, and finally your selfishness?
         You may not agree with what I write here, but at least give it some thought. When that child popped out and you became a parent, what all of the sudden made you a parent connoisseur? I'll answer that for you-God. However, who made you a better, more knowledgeable parent than everyone else-no one! I contend that it is more a lack of faith and trust on our parts than anything else. Yes, we should be vigilant with how much to trust others, but we also should remember, especially if you believe in a higher power, that we are not called to worry and to be anxious but quite the opposite. Put some trust in God, put some trust in others, and put some trust in yourself that you can trust others.
        Wow, this is getting a little deep so here's one final thought: If you're a helicopter parent now, you will probably be a helicopter parent through time and drive every teacher nuts! (Helicopter parent-parent who enables and who constantly is in the child's "back pocket")

Man Advice:
Don't let your marriage suffer because you can no longer spend alone time with your wife. Find some trustworthy baby-sitters, and take your wife out on a date, at least once a month. Don't say you can't afford it. You can sacrifice a golf game for your wife, pack a lunch for work and save money, or take turns watching friends' children so no one pays for a baby-sitter!

Men Must Step Up!

As I've been working with the idea creating a brand name for What About the Man, looking at copy-writing ideas, and am beginning the process of creating a website, I've come up with some different perspectives for the brand. Obviously, based on the blog we can all see one niche being about "remembering" the man throughout the pregnancy process. This is a lighthearted look at our roles in pregnancy and how society "neglects" us...or so I feel. However, Ladies, here's one for you: change the perspective of What About the Man to be more of "What about the man? Can't he do the dishes, laundry, make dinner, etc.?"

Here's what the latter What About the Man can refer to:
                                                                
1)The reality is that we men can often be wimps and whiners. While pregnancy can create extra burdens for us to bare, we're not trying to get a peaceful night's sleep because we have extra round stomachs with a child inside. We're not prevented from picking up things due to a 25 pound limit, which can prevent women from holding their own children. We're not walking around constantly feeling like we're in a fog, hoping just to keep down our food. So, when a woman asks us, or expects us, to do a simple task she usually does, we should do it. Yes, I've definitely had my frustrated moments thinking, "I'm doing everything," but I'd prefer that over losing my body and feeling uncomfortable all the time.
                                                                

2)I'm not claiming to be perfect (but if you think I am that's ok), and I'm not claiming to know everything (again, questionable statement), but as I stated earlier there are many household jobs, chores, etc. that many women still do, even in today's modern era of the woman's fight for equality. And, unfortunately many men still expect women to play the "house maid" role, even though we have the full capability of her helping her around the house, especially during the pregnancy time. In fact, Men, we might even learn a few things about life outside of our "typical" 8:00-5:00 jobs. I'm going to stay away from the "women's role" debate, but you might gain a greater appreciation for what many of your wives do if instead of sitting down and watching TV while your wife slaves in the kitchen you actually help her, and/or you help with kitchen clean-up. I would argue we should always have this mentality, especially when your wife is pregnant. Women have the right to say/think "What about the Man?" when we are not sensitive to help them or to support them.

Man Advice:
Here's the truth: If we help more around the house and do some of the things we typically think our wives should do, we will benefit in more ways than one. If your wife is pregnant and uncomfortable, this just might be what it takes to relive those "making the baby" moments. God gave us the gift of sex with our spouses, so we need not neglect it.