Ode to Moms

I have spent most of my time in this blog looking at things from the man's perspective. However, as our fourth has been here now for 6 weeks and the “door” is soon to be closed, I want to focus on women, and more importantly my wife, Faith.




   A little over 7.5years ago, when Faith was ready to move ahead with children, like I didn't create enough excitement for her in our marriage, I succumbed to her desires, and soon pregnancy arrived and Isaiah was born. As I have shared, and as many of you have witnessed, through the four pregnancies, Faith was sick for almost all nine months. That means that over the past almost 8 years, Faith has been sick/pregnant or has been nursing for most of the duration of that time. That does not sound fun to me. I realize that nursing creates some “emotional” attachment that bottle feeding doesn’t always give, but when I bottle fed Isaiah, and now Timothy every once in a while, the clock does not move fast enough (the two girls refused the bottle until around their first birthdays). Likewise, and I know families are different, especially if there’s no breast feeding (that phrase will always sound awkward to me) taking place, but while I have many times over the 7 years gotten up in the middle of the night to take a crying baby, Faith has lost sleep much more often, especially since I am unable to produce milk.
Yes, I, along with all fathers, give up a lot and learn what it means to give up my selfish desires at times, but Faith has given up much more, as have many other mothers.
Since Faith has stayed home with all the children, she has given up a career in the teaching world and has done myriad part time jobs to supplement my bottom-dwelling teaching salary in North Carolina. As most women experience, with that first child there was major adjustment with being home, including loneliness and a sense of loss of purpose, but she has pressed on and invested in many people’s lives and has not been afraid to get outside of that dreaded “comfort zone” in which too many people live. And I don’t write the next comments to say Faith is better than any other mom, but I do challenge moms reading this and people who know moms, maybe your own children, who struggle with parenting adjustment to learn from Faith.
Instead of dwelling on the loneliness and lack of purpose, Faith has always reached out to others through mom’s Bible studies, “play dates” (that term wasn’t around when I was a kid), helping other struggling moms, and through “letting go” of control. I watch as so many moms confine themselves to their homes, becoming homebodies, as they won’t get baby sitters, as they won’t put their children in the church nursery, as they won’t take advice from others, and as they vicariously live their lives surfing through their Facebook friends updates, and I can’t help but be grateful for how Faith has not confined herself to that “comfort zone,” even though it’s a much easier place to stay. Even now as we have embraced having a fourth child, Faith jumped right in to a new challenge in helping lead the young adult group at church and encouraging me to again lead a Bible study with her starting last fall, while we were living in my in-laws basement after our move from North Carolina to the farmlands of Ohio!




I close this post with this: Mom’s, you rock because you give up so much for so little “worldly gain” in return (although having and raising a child is better than any worldly profit). However, all parents need to be careful to not let their children be an excuse for not being involved with life outside of child world. Let’s stop using our children as excuses why we can’t volunteer places, why we can’t serve at church, why we can’t help others, and why we can’t be involved in the relationships that challenge us to grow!

Man Advice:


Be the leader and encourage your wife. Help around the house and do ANYTHING that can help her. Don't use your children as an excuse to not be involved in others' lives!

Facebook - WAM - What About the Man?

Birth Recovery - A Queen Bed!

For those who have followed this blog, are on my Facebook, or know me, you're quite aware of my struggle with our family's move from North Carolina to Ohio this year. In fact, my Colorado family says I complain too much. So, here's a change.

I left off my last post with sharing how Faith was handed Timothy, still attached to the umbilical chord and dirty. In the previous three pregnancies, I cut the umbilical chord, the nurses took the baby to clean, and then we held the new child. This new procedure was a bit weird, but we went with it. No joke, Faith held Timothy like that for about ten minutes. After the first couple of minutes, the midwife came in and said it was her first missed delivery. She then continued to talk to Faith, remember that Timothy is still attached to the chord and dirty, and talked about the placenta, and how people like to keep it. I joked how much I'd love to have a placenta smoothie. I'm pretty sure the midwife was someone who would do that, but oh well. Finally, I cut the chord, without blood splattering on me as it did for our previous child, and life was good. 

Then, I asked the question..could we move to the special room with a queen-sized bed. Yes, I was thinking about myself. I wasn't sleeping and spending the next two days on an uncomfortable rolling chair. To my relief, the request was granted. We moved to the new room, and our mini vacation began as the three kids were at the grandparents. 

Here's where the change takes place. This didn't happen in North Carolina. I did have my own fold out couch to sleep on, which was nice, but I put it up when visitors came. In Ohio, the bed stayed down, and the few visitors who actually came to see us (North Carolina one-upped Ohio in that category), had chairs to sit in. I literally was "in bed" for two days. On top of that, when Faith ordered her meals, she was always able to order extra so I actually had food too. Usually, the man is left to fend for himself!

For anyone reading this with children still to come, here's advice for after birth:

1)First and foremost, make sure you give your baby to the nurses at night so you can sleep. For those who say you can't let him/her go, you will regret it in the next few weeks when you don't have help.

2)For first-time moms, let a consultant help you with breast-feeding. Don't do it on your own if it's not working!

3)Make sure ahead of time with your friends that they are or are not welcome to visit. If you just want the time to yourselves, just say that. I will tell you that if you do spend the normal two days there, you may get tired of looking at each other. Remember, the baby will be sleeping most of the time. 

4)Let go of all the work and home distractions and enjoy your time together with you new child.

Man Advice:

Check ahead of time about your sleeping situation. If you are relegated to a small, uncomfortable "reclining" chair, see if they can bring in a cot...make sure there's no charge with that!

Twitter - @coachmperkins
Facebook page - WAM - What About the Man?

Birth Part 2 - Bed Anyone?

We all have different birth experiences, most good, but I've heard some horror stories. That's an encouraging start to a post. Anyway, with the last birth just a month ago, once we survived the treacherous walk to the hospital, as I explained in the previous post, we headed to the birthing ward. Because Faith was all of two people there in labor that night (not a lot of new blood where this hospital is located), we were directed to our labor room. Faith put on that beautiful hospital gown, a modern day marvel that we should all be forced to where at some point in our lives, she sat in her high-tech birthing bed, and I found a seat in a chair. This was no ordinary chair. It reclined, but not even enough to be considered a reclined position, and it had wheels...wheels on a reclined chair equals a danger zone. I got on online and started researching reclining chairs and fold out couches and told the nurse that I would buy the hospital one that I found for $350. Are you kidding me? How is the man ever supposed to get some sleep in such conditions?

So like most people waiting in the labor room, we put our things down and began the wait for the baby. We'll fast forward a few hours as Faith started to really feel the pain. This was baby #3 without any pain medicine or epidural, and she was feeling it. Now, there's pros and cons to having or not having medicine for the pain, but no training, no class, and no book can prepare a couple to actually experience the wonderful, excruciatingly painful event of childbirth. While Faith had an epidural for her first birth as I watched cable TV and enjoyed visitors and snacks, such was not the case with the last three, and throughout all the moaning, walking, grimacing, etc. nothing I did was right until I was "gently" directed to rub her back, don't rub her back, give her water, don't give her water, put a wash cloth on her head, don't put a wash cloth on her head...you get the point. So, after some pushing we convinced the nurses to prepare for the baby to come out (they were not in a hurry). The baby was coming and there was nothing Faith could do to stop it. Nurses are always so encouraging when they say, "Try no to push too hard yet. The doctor isn't her yet." Seriously, get that baby out. Anyway, I think the on-call doctor was having a latte and reading a magazine because he was nowhere in sight. So, the two nurses are prepping and the phone in the room won't work to call anyone. Faith is on the bed, holding on the rails with all her might "stopping the baby from coming out," and I'm there, gently rubbing her back, encouraging her to "control her breathing." Suddenly, as Faith is on her side, out pops the baby's head. Hello, there's a baby over here! The nurses run over, grab the baby's head, turn Faith on her back, and the baby comes out...in walks the on-call doctor 5 minutes later with his arms folded, surveying the situation. When he seemed to be satisfied, he turned away and walked out, saying nothing to any of us. Needless-to-say, this was a very different experience from the other three births, but Timothy was out, and I guess the new fad in birth is to keep the baby attached to the umbilical chord and do some koala/kangaroo skin thing, so Timothy, and all his gooey covering, was placed on Faith. Disgusting! 

That's it for the birth. At this point, after four births, I'm pretty sure I could deliver a baby and almost did.

Man Advice:

Classes are over-rated, but go if your wife insists. Just realize that to the hospital staff you are the least important thing in that birth room.