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Friday, April 25, 2014

Do You Have Friends?

I've mentioned a few times the importance of having friends as I'm noticing more and more that many people don't have "true friends" in today's world. No, Twitter and Facebook friends don't count. I realize that every time I see a picture of someone's great "dinner" they made that my life is forever changed, and every time I see a "tweet" about the fact that someone is bored makes me want to go unbore them and tell them they have a free will and can go DO SOMETHING, and every time I see a post about how "long" a person's day has been makes me see what great complainers we all are, but I'm talking about real friends. These are people with whom you actually have a conversation, people who have invested in your life and whose lives you have invested in. We all need these people, but they're a dying breed, and when it comes to pregnancy and children, if you don't have them you will go through unnecessary trials and tribulations that can easily be avoided.
                                                   
For Women
I mentioned in the previous post about friends' importance in the baby shower phenomenon. However, that's just a surface bonus of friendship; although, as I've made clear I'm a big fan of other people buying baby things for the many soon-to-be "poor" parents. Friendships should go much deeper, which was made ever more clear recently as our family made a voyage to our old stomping grounds in North Carolina. In our six days there, we managed to see many people who were part of our lives for the past eight years. Before we headed to Virginia to see my brother and his family, we closed out the NC portion of the trip with a big get together with all the mom's and kids that were part of a women's Bible study over the past 6 years. Don't worry, as I know you're worried about "the man" and what I did during that party time, I left to be with other friends and to get away from the chaos. So, minus one or two kids who were in school, there were 20 kids running around the house with their mothers watching. I reference that time together because those ladies have gone through pregnancy, birth, and child rearing together. They have spent countless hours on the phone, email, Facebook, and at one anothers' homes, giving advice to and spending time with one another. I know too many mothers who don't have that so all they do is sit on the computer surfing the Internet for advice or get on Facebook posting their questions to all those "Facebook" friends. While it might sound like I'm judging you for using the Internet to solve your problems, I'm not, but nothing can replace the interactions people have with more "real" friends.  
        You need people to call you up to check on your sanity when your husband is out of town and you're alone with the wonderful, crazy kids. You need friends to email you those awesome coupon deals. You need people to spend time with, giving your children opportunities to play with others. You need those friends to be there for the struggles with miscarriages, for the constant battle with discipline of your children, for the breast feeding support (husbands can only give so much support here...physical touch), and for those dinner get-aways with friends to escape the craziness of parenthood.
         So, what do you need to do? If you don't have friends, I strongly encourage you to stop being afraid, get outside of your bubble, and reach out to others. When you do that, others will reach out to you. Whether you have children or are in that pregnancy phase, value those friends you have and seek to establish those friendships you, and others, need.


For Men 
       Men, your job is a lot easier. Be there for your wife and be the rock and pillar she needs in times of struggle. Whatever you do, be careful about giving advice (kind of ironic since I just wrote three paragraphs giving women advice) because you will find yourself digging out of huge holes if you always try to solve her problems. If your wife is pregnant and you realize she is in a place where she does not have many female friends and/or people to lean on, get over yourself and help her get connected. Church is a great place to start! I really don't know too many other opportunities where a pregnant women can jump in and find a group of friends. She's not drinking, so she's not at the bar. She's probably not exercising too much so the gym is out. Maybe she likes to knit, croche, or scrapbook. Whatever you do, help her find common ground with others, especially if your wife is staying at home and will not have the social interaction the work environment gives. Above all else, encourage her and pray for her!
 

Friday, April 11, 2014

Are You Prepared to Sacrifice?

 In previous posts I mentioned many issues future parents should address before the baby pops out. The following is a speech I wrote that is being presented Monday, Apr. 14, to the North Carolina General Assembly. I'm not about sharing everything I do with the world (you won't see me posting my dinner creations on Facebook), but  the speech, while it focuses on the state of educator pay in North Carolina, addresses the fact that parents must make sacrificial decisions for the safety and support of our families. My challenge would be to read it and to think about what sacrifices you should be making. Feel free to share with others.

North Carolina General Assembly


I’d like to take a teacher moment and have everyone close your eyes.. Now that your eyes are closed, remember a time in your childhood where you had a great dream or vision for your future. Think about that dream, and picture those individuals who played the greatest roles in helping you reach that dream or who encouraged you to never give up on that dream. Now open your eyes.  I’ll be honest, even though I grew up in Colorado, I dreamed of playing basketball at Duke. There was one problem...I never grew past 5’9”, could never come close to touching the rim, and while I was the starting point guard my senior year of high school, I was given the “RED LIGHT” when it came to shooting the basketball. None of those circumstances helped me to fulfill my dream, but they never stopped me from pushing myself on and off the court. And you know who else it didn’t stop--my teachers and coaches. It was my  eighth-grade teachers who took a group of hormonal, independent middle school students to Washington D.C. every year, all the way from Colorado Springs.  It was Mr. Paige whom I had for two classes in high school and knew I was a horrible test taker, but who never treated me any differently from those straight A, high flying AP students who always scored 5’s on those formidable AP tests. It was Coach Andrusyk, who even though we didn’t see eye-to-eye on everything, stopped me in the locker room after the last senior basketball game and said, “I’d want a son like you,” when I told him I was sorry for the mistakes I made in the game and for not leading the team to better success. When you think about what you just imagined, I’m sure many of your dreams were positively affected by the many educators in your life.  Unfortunately, today’s society is minimizing these roles teachers play in students’ lives, and North Carolina is leading the way.
    My story, like so many other teachers’ stories, started in high school where I felt called to be a teacher. I majored in English Education in college and moved from the great state of Colorado to North Carolina because I was young, because I could, and because like so many other first-year, bright-eyed teachers I thought I could “change the world.” For my first two years I taught 7th grade Language Arts in Charlotte at a school with 90-95% free-reduced lunch. Looking back on that extremely difficult situation, the greatest tragedy was that pay was so minimal that all the experienced teachers either left the school or refused to consider working there as the minimal pay did nothing to ease the stress of such a challenging teaching situation...and this is still the case today with so many North Carolina schools, even the strong ones. Even as a young teacher with no family responsibilities and with all the energy in the world, I went went home each day worn out, struggling to keep fighting the battle, learning what it was like living paycheck to paycheck. I then married my wife, an elementary teacher, moved to Holly Springs, taught English, and coached track at one of North Carolina’s top high schools,  Apex High School, for eight years, all while adding three wonderful children to the mix. We attended and were involved in a great church and developed many lifelong friendships. What could be better?
    On the surface, and to the outsider, things looked great, but there’s more to the story. With three children, it didn’t make sense for my wife to work so she has stayed at home, often working part-time jobs she could do from there. While I earned my Master’s of Education degree and while our mortgage payment was equivalent to apartment rent and while we had no debt, my salary was frozen for six years, our health insurance rose about $200 a month, and gas prices ranged from $2.50 -$4.00. And, while I loved coaching, often times sacrificing family time to do what I felt God called me to do, based on finances I was ready to walk away from it since coaches pay in North Carolina is one of the lowest, if not the lowest, in the country. While I would leave behind the impact coaches have on athletes, I could work fewer hours, with much less stress, at other part-time jobs that would give our family better financial stability.  As a result, like so many other teachers, my family qualified for Medicaid. Now, my intent is not to knock down government aid, but I taught for ten years and hold a Master’s degree. No other professional field can boast such pay to qualification discrepancy. Furthermore, my teaching responsibilities became greater and greater with the focus on standardized testing, with the addition of technology requirements, and with the focus of teacher evaluations being directly tied to and influenced by student test scores. On top of that, while I spent eight years teaching at what I would argue to be one of the top public schools not only in the state but also in the country, I have seen a consistent decline of teacher and administrative morale, even though administration has done all it can to carry the burden the state has placed on the teachers.
    Therefore, when I was unexpectedly offered a job in Ohio, where my wife’s family lives, and to where I swore I would never move, we moved, even though the job turned into part-time. Everybody here in the cornfields can’t believe we moved from NC to Ohio, and while we moved for many reasons, one contributing factor was the degrading pay in North Carolina.
Is this the teachers’ fault? For a small few, yes. Is it the Administrators’ fault? Again, for a small few, yes? However, every leadership training I have attended and every leadership book I have read makes clear that the state of the employees’ morale is a direct reflection of the company’s leadership, and the company for the teachers is the North Carolina Government. My goal is not to point fingers or to create dissension, but rather for leadership to take responsibility to affect change.
    Rather than worrying about living from paycheck to paycheck, worrying about how to pay for medical bills, and worrying about how to make the next mortgage payment, educators need be focused on our jobs. Instead of spending countless hours fighting for respect, we need to engage in healthy debates over whether or not teaching Shakespeare is really relevant to today’s students. Rather than spending hours upon hours jumping through the hoops to qualify for government assistance, teachers should be evaluating how necessary it is for all students to know quadratic formulas, parabalas, and the differences between substitution and elimination. Rather than struggling with the decision to leave the teaching profession in order to find more financial peace and stability, teachers should be dialoguing over whether or not we should be teaching as if we expect all students to go to college.
    Teachers teach to positively affect young people’s minds and to give hope where often there is no hope. We teach because we feel called and challenged to “change the world.” We need our North Carolina leaders to hear that call. We need to stop fighting the party battle, as both parties are equally to blame for the current state of teacher morale, and we need YOU to rise to the challenge as we expect our students to rise to the challenges we give them and as you expect us rise to the challenges you give us!
Students For Education Reform - UNC Chapel Hill's photo.
Mon. Apr. 14
1:30 North Carolina General Assembly in Raleigh


Man Advice
Suck it up and be willing to put selfish desires aside to be there for your family.