Basement Pregnancy

     Moving out of the basement is less than a week away, and everything we took out of boxes when we moved into my in-law's basement five months ago is slowly making its way back into the boxes. Again, I must preface everything with the fact that my in-laws have been great and nothing written here is to negatively shed light on them. Pregnancy, three children, and living in the in-law's basement is just not a recipe for "living the dream."
       Last time I wrote, I talked about having a pregnant wife going to bed at eight, the children being asleep upstairs, and the in-laws living their lives upstairs, usually watching TV, meaning I'm downstairs in the dark with the computer/iPad and my headphones. Well, ironically just a couple days after I wrote, 8:00 turned to 7:00. We went to the doctor for our first visit, and it was confirmed that Faith is actually 14 weeks along in the pregnancy. And the sickness is just getting worse! The doctor, much to my happiness, gave her a prescription to help with her nausea, and it helped...and knocked her out. She took it at 6:00 p.m. and was in bed by 7:00, not to wake until 8:00 the next morning. I had school cancelled, so I took the kids, and by 8:30 she was back in bed until 10:30. Thus, the reality is, and again I don't want a sympathy vote, that I have been given a glimpse into the life of the single parent, and I have gained a great respect for them.                           Now, as you may have realized, with Faith struggling so much with sickness and sleep, the past couple of months I feel like I'm married to my in-laws because they have been with the children a lot. As noted, they have gone above and beyond in their help and support since we've been living in the basement, but I didn't marry them! As you can imagine, we've definitely had our moments. We come from two very different worlds, and I'm still adjusting, so I might not be as patient as I should, and I don't like to receive help. Those factors have lead to some tense moments, but it's much better than having no help, so I suck up my pride and retreat to the basement. I have never prayed for so much patience as I have the past few months. I told Faith that this situation might lead us to need counseling! (I say that in jest, but if we didn't have a strong marriage I don't even want to think what this could have done to us.) People, if you're married and have children, or if that is in the future for you, appreciate the bond you have together. You married that person because you loved him/her (well, you should have), so don't take it for granted.
      However, this phase will pass, and soon we will be on our own. My wife is excited about moving, but I know deep down she will miss all the help her parents are given. As for me, I'm pretty sure it's time for us to go. We just need to hit the lottery, or I'd settle for a full time job, and my wife could stay home all day. Who knows, as that new commercial shows that many huge businesses started in garages, maybe my dream will have begun in my in-law's basement and carried on to our new one.
                                                           
Man Advice:
While it can be difficult to spend time together during pregnancy, make an effort to do things together and spend time together because once the children come, life changes. 

Pregnancy - My Wife's Live Reality

This is a little slow start to the blog as I posted the first one while on vacation, visiting my family, in Colorado. I'm still trying figure out why we moved to Ohio over Colorado, but it's time to move on. Well, the focus of today's blog is on the reality of experiencing the pregnancy phenomenon while living in my in-laws basement.      People continuously say, "Matt, you know how this happens. There's no one to blame but yourself." First of all, do you have any idea what it's like to live in the basement for months on end? What else are we supposed to do? Ha-time to insert a disclaimer or I may be sleeping in the fields for this last week--While our experience of living in my in-law's basement for 5 months, along with our three kids, has seen it's trivial moments, we are very blessed to have the family we have. So, I'm not bashing my family in any way, just explaining the situation.

      Unlike many women, my poor wife (ha, literally) was sick through all three pregnancies, and now number four is the worst yet! She finally went to the doctor today, and it's confirmed that she's around 14 weeks pregnant (wow, first I wrote "14 months...feels like it). She has been sick since the first month! Hence, ladies, I in no way want to minimize what many of you experience. For those of you who don't face much sickness during pregnancy, be thankful! 

       From my perspective, this pregnancy has been brutal. It's like I've lost my wife to a helpless, unmotivated, sick slob (a little exaggeration). But she can't help it. When we were in Colorado, she slept in for hours each morning and then took naps most days, not because she was tired but because it allowed her to escape the sickness. Fortunately, the rest of us were able to enjoy the trip, but the past few months have been very different. I have come to a greater respect and appreciation for the single parent. While I have had my in-laws' help, I still have been living life like a single parent, and "wow" props to those people. I don't say that to give props to myself, as I've definitely had my moments, but last time I checked there's no medicine I can take to make the experience more bearable (well, maybe that's not completely true as I just came from Colorado, land of the legal reefer, but you get my point).
       Whether sick or tired, often times pregnant women go to bed much earlier and take naps as often as possible. Now, imagine living the hostage life in the basement. By 8:00, the children are upstairs sleeping, the in-laws are upstairs watching TV, and my wife is in the one-room basement soon-to-be asleep, or already asleep. What am I to do? Thank goodness for earplugs, the computer, and Amazon. We all know that women put their lives on hold to be pregnant, but so does the man!
        I will expand on basement dwelling in the the next blog, as one week from tomorrow we close on our new house!

Man Advice:
Find a hobby, TV show, or something else to fill the void left by the pregnant wife. Don't worry, she will be back; it might be a few months.

For those of you reading this blog for the first time, please enjoy. I wrote this blog a while ago and put it on the back burner. For the many who read before, "I'm back!" The hiatus has given me new insight on pregnancy. In fact, hopefully this is just the beginning of something more broad in scope and something bigger. Please enjoy this first entry. There are two surprises in this entry: First, as I have embarked on writing a book (even if I'm the only one whoever reads it), I am including part of the preface here...Second, read closely and you will find another little surprise. Enjoy!

Two ideals exist for this book. First, my ultimate goal is for men to read this book and to know they are not alone when it comes to dealing with, I mean, accepting the reality of pregnancy. While some literature on the subject exists, most of it is from a woman’s perspective. What? How can a woman tell me how I feel and think about pregnancy? I’m sure women would love it if a man wrote a book about how women feel during pregnancy. Insert a little sarcasm there. And, most literature is hundreds and hundreds of pages long. Why do I need a 500 page book to explain to me what to expect when expecting when “expecting” is a natural thing that billions of people have experienced. Most men don’t read that stuff!

On the other hand, women, if you are reading this, either your significant other is trying to help you see perspective, so please be understanding, or you may be reading this because you have some desire, while it may be deeply embedded in the inner-recesses of your soul, to know what he is/will be experiencing during the pregnancy time period. Whatever the case, please have an open mind. Realize many of the written words are for comedic relief, and while you may disagree with or be offended by my thoughts, they are just that--my thoughts. I would argue most men experience similar feelings as will be shared in the book, but we all have different personalities, experiences, and beliefs that ultimately shape how we experience the whole pregnancy phenomenon.

Finally, please enjoy reading this, short, comical view of pregnancy from a man’s perspective. I am often blunt and sarcastic, so don’t read too deeply into everything I write.  As we begin this journey together, I realize not all men are in the same circumstance as the typical “expecting” male, but for simplicity sake, this book will be told from my perspective, a married male.

Oh yeah, one more thing: Through my wife’s first three pregnancies, I continuously claimed there was a need to write a book, but I never did. Over the past few months, I left a great education job, moved from our family’s home base for the past eight years, left our best friends, neighbors, and church behind, and moved into my in-laws basement while accepting a part-time job as my wife took a part-time job herself. Our world has been rocked, not by force, but by choice. As a man of faith, I believed this is where God wants us. However, as if that weren’t enough challenge, the reality is I can’t most effectively write this book from past experiences and through other’s pregnancy adventures. I must write this from live experience, so here we go. With child number four on the way, the live recording begins. (None of this may be reproduced without consent of the writer or you may be subject to prosecution.)

Well, there's a short preview of the book, and as the next few months pass by, I will be updating this blog with my current thoughts that, I, along with my three children, will be experiencing as mom one more time perseveres through the pregnancy adventure!

Man Advice:
Whenever you see a pregnant woman and ask "How are you feeling?" turn to the man and say, "And how are you doing?" Make him feel appreciated!

Be a Leader! Super Bowl Bound?

The last few days I had some ideas write for me next post, but watching some of the pre-game Super Bowl festivities makes me reflect on the importance of training our leaders to lead! By the way I'm writing this as I watch the halftime show of the Super Bowl...I guess there's a requirement to not wear clothes if you're the headlining act. Unbelievable! Well, I'm a track coach, and recently our coaching staff met with administration to discuss expectations we have that a parent strongly disagrees. We have some differing views on training, parenting, etc. During the meeting, he made the comment, "You all expect too much of my daughter. She's only fifteen, way too young to be a leader." What? She's too young to be a leader! I didn't even know how to process that statement. Is he saying he doesn't believe in his daughter? Is he saying he hasn't trained her right to be leader? Is he saying he can't let her go and therefore must protect her from anything, other than her father, that could influence her? I'm still left dumbfounded by the comment and have lost much sleep over it. The following day I even presented the quote to my class to write about it (don't worry, I didn't tell them where I heard it), and their comments were enlightening, mostly portraying the same thoughts I've had. I told them discussing the quote was challenging them to "think deeply," but really I think I was just looking for support:)

 I give the example to make a point. Ladies and Gentlemen, we must train and inspire our children to aspire for greatness, which only comes through training them to be leaders. I've been talking to my son, since he could process what being a leader meant, about being a leader. Of course I've heard all the excuses: "But they're older than me..." or "It's too hard..." or "But nobody else is doing it..." Hey, I get his points. We've all been there, and from someone who played on sports teams through college, I get them. Being a leader isn't always easy. Okay, let's be honest, sometimes it places you on an island, leaving you feeling all alone. Yet, going back to my previous example for my track athlete, what am I supposed to say on the first day of track practice? "Team, I want each of you to make a decision right now to be the best follower you can be! Don't try to lead, and don't try to set the example! You're too young, and I don't want you overworking yourselves. I want each of you to find the best follower on the team and follow him/her. I want each one of you to aspire to greatness. I want you to follow!" That might be a little sarcastic, but the reality is that the parent was simply saying something that too many people believe today, especially in regards to our young boys. We are so worried about protecting our children and enabling them that either they don't know how to lead, or, as is the case with my athlete, we won't let them lead. As a result, today's youth don't have other youths to look up to. I see it in my classroom every day, and I see it on our sports teams. In fact, that's why athletes like Tim Tebow, Peyton Manning, Ray Lewis, Kobe Bryant, etc. are so admired by the media as they set examples that so many others don't.

 At the same time, so many of those athletes are negatively judged and condemned because they do stand out as leaders as we have a hard time embracing leaders because we don't see them anymore. Think about what you can do to prepare your children to be leaders, because if you don't they will easily fall prey to the many pressures society places upon them. Set the example and lead!

 1)What are some things you've done to train your children to lead? 2)Any inspiring or uninspiring stories of leadership?

Pregnancy, Fatherhood, and the Man Book!

I know I've definitely been weak the past few months in doing anything with this blog. Honestly, most of that is due to me wondering what I want to do with writing. And, more importantly, what I want to do with my life (or, for the more spiritual, what God wants to do with my life). I've been an English teacher for ten years, two years at the middle school level (never going there again...), and eight years at the high school level, teaching English, writing, and speech classes (and behavior, etiquette, respect, higher-level/life changing thinking--you get the point). Without going into all the inner workings of my thought life, let's just say that, like many people, I'm interested in possibly pursuing something else. That may or may not include the education world, and may just simply be a hobby. Who knows? But I tell my students all the time to not be complacent and to not live status-quo lives, or at least maybe I've said that once at track practice, so I better live by what I preach.

 I've always been interested in writing, not the antiquated essay writing I teach to my students, but real writing that could actually be of benefit to the reader. Having said that, while I have multiple topics and ideas I'd like to address, one that currently remains most dear to my heart is that of the man's role in pregnancy and fatherhood. I don't want to write about something that has already been written about, and anything I've found about men and pregnancy/fatherhood is limited to idealistic or extra serious views of the topic, not that those aren't needed because have you looked at the world around us, we all need help. Or, the books are written by women. No offense, but seriously, would a women want me writing about what it's like to breast-feed or what it's like to actually give birth...no! I'd have my head cut off. Now, I need your help. My thought is to make this short and entertaining, small enough to put in the bathroom or on the coffee table. I've been brainstorming, researching, and talking to others about what steps to take next. You can help me by responding to any of the following questions:

  1)Would your husband read a 50-75 pg. book about the realities of pregnancy, the birth process, and the first year? 2)Females, if you've already had children, do you think it would have been beneficial to get perspective on what your husband was thinking as you went through the process? 3)Do you think your husband would see that as good reading material? 4)Men, would you have found it beneficial to read a man-friendly book about pregnancy and fatherhood that wasn't hundreds of pages long like What to Expect When You're Expecting and all those heavy reading books (literally and figuratively)? You can either comment on the blog (I changed the settings so you shouldn't need an account) or you can email me at www.mattfaithperkins@gmail.com. Please be free and honest with your thoughts.

Thoughts on Connecticut and "Where Was God?" video

I have been on hiatus for a few months, but I've been once again been inspired to share my thoughts (even if no one reads them) in regards to parenting. In light of this past week's disheartening events in Connecticut, I posted the following words on Facebook and challenge you to think about them as many of us are in the middle of making choices in how to effectively raise our children.

I encourage you to watch the attached video. Please put aside any immediate political dislikes as what Mr. Huckabee has to say is something we should all take to heart. I'd like to add a few points:
Throughout the past few days, I've heard person after person say we should pray. We should go home and hug our kids. We should figure out how to stop all the violence! While these are all valid points, I think they point out a flaw in our thinking--we should already be doing these things every day.
Can these simple daily acts make everything better? No, but they can add comfort, strength, and moral guidance when needed. They can bring us closer to God, the creator of this universe, the maker and giver of life. However, as Mr. Huckabee so eloquently states, we've taken God out of the equation, we've pushed him away. As a few of my colleagues stated at work today, "Maybe things seem worse than the past due to readily available news, but more likely we're getting worse and worse. We're more selfish, more violent, and more mentally unstable, as a society, than ever before." Of course we can come up with all kinds of reasons for this, but there can be no argument that the more and more we've taken away faith and morality and made them unique to everyone's own interpretation of who they are in and of themselves, the more we've seen society decline.

We believe we deserve whatever material possessions, and we're now in a terrible economic crisis, blaming everyone but ourselves.
We have taken life, something that was so sacred and valued during our grandparents' generations, and we’ve reduced it to "a tissue we can get rid of if it gets in our way."
We've made The Hunger Games, a story about survival of the fittest where killing all other children is necessary to preserve one's life, the number one best seller among teens, applauding “murder” because it’s fictitious.
We've taken moral and absolute truths with regards to marriage, love, and parenting, things that were also once sacred, and have again devalued them, bringing persecution to those who hold to such "traditional, antiquated" beliefs.
We’ve told our school systems to raise our children and train them in the right direction, but we’ve taken all faith-based moral guidance out of public schools, reducing teachers’ training motivation to “You need to learn this to be more successful,” which means “to make money,” but just look around. Those with great wealth show no more happiness than those without. In fact that propensity, that desire for wealth often is what brings so much emotional pain to people.
That was a horrible, evil crime committed last Friday, but when I turned on the late news, I heard over and over person after person from around this state and around this country being robbed, being hurt, being murdered. These things happen daily around the world. When people ask the question, “How can this happen?” we have the answer right in front of us, and we are the only people who can stop it, but must be willing to step out, be willing to not be ashamed of God’s truth and be willing to be the change in society rather than be changed by society.
We’ve spent the last fifty-sixty years conducting the great experiment of putting our trust and faith in human beings, fallible, selfish beings. Maybe it’s time to adjust and put our faith in something else!

Please feel free to share this, not for me but for those twenty-seven individuals whose lives were so tragically taken from this earth.

I'm Sick!

It's been a little while since my last post, mostly due to the point that sickness has been running through the family and hit me hard, which is abnormal. I think I took my first legit sick day in over two years. So, I've decided what better topic to discuss than how to handle being a sick parent.

First, let's look at how to care for a sick husband/wife. The reality is that kids add a whole new dynamic to being sick. Before kids, if I or Faith were sick, we'd have some lazy days of TV watching, with the healthy spouse waiting hand and foot on the unhealthy one. With kids, that becomes more challenging. First, you must decide, "Should you both stay home, one being sick and the other taking care of kids, if they're at home, or can you handle having the kids all day even though your sick?" If your kids go to daycare, preschool, etc., this is an easy one. Don't keep them home, even though you'll be tempted, because you need your rest. The most important thing is for the sick patient to rest and begin the healing process. Therefore, the healthy spouse must step up to the plate! Men, this may mean you take the kids out of the house for a while, go out to eat, and entertain the kids so your wife can rest. Women, this goes the same for you if your husband is sick. I know for stay-at-home moms this can be difficult as you've already been with the kids all day, but you chose that life and you need to do for your husband what you would want your husband to do for you. I know sometimes I brag on my wife, but she was awesome this last time I was sick. Granted, she doesn't see me sick often, but she would have served me food in bed all day if I would have let her. 

On the flip side, if you are the sick one, you need to be aware that you can be a burden. From experience with others, I have definitely noticed that for some reason most women deal with sickness better that men, especially mothers. Therefore, Men, sometimes you must suck it up. You may be feeling horrible and you may need rest, which you need to get, but don't make your wife baby you! Don't take her for granted as so many men do. I'm not saying to not act sick, because if you are then you need to do all you can to heal, but because your spouse with be exerting extra energy taking care of the children, you don't want him/her to feel like she/he needs to exert more energy on you. Likewise, sickness shouldn't prevent you from helping at the house but allow you to "work from home" or go places. If you can do those things, then you can help with the kids.

Being a sick parent is not fun, and being the healthy parent can take a lot of extra energy, but part of being a parent/spouse is being selfless, not just for your kids, but for your spouse as well, which sometimes we forget once the children arrive.

Financial Tip-of-the-Day!
Rather than take your tax return money and spend it all on a vacation, new piece of furniture, ect., put in toward something the will acquire more wealth in the future (mutual fund, stock, etc.).